

I am getting so fucking frustrated with myself.� Iapos;m stuck between 142 and 143.� Maybe because I havenapos;t eaten anything today.� But I have some frozen grapes to eat so we shall see.� I still didnapos;t get my modem in the mail.� Ugh Iapos;l dying to get on the internet� i canapos;t stand it.� But I donapos;t want to go to the library either.� Too creeped out by that guy.� I swear heapos;s there every time I go.� Ick.
And I took laxatives last night and I only shit once :(.� Iapos;m hoping I go more cause I�need to lose more weight� Urgh.� I realize how lame my life truly is.� I have nothing that matters.� All I care about is losing weight.� No wonder i donapos;t have any friends.� Itapos;s like, no matter what Iapos;m doing, in the back of my head Iapos;m thinking of food or calories or weight loss or how fat I am.� It just doesnapos;t go away.���
Part of it is because I donapos;t wonapos;t let it go away and I donapos;t want it to go away.� I guess because it keeps me on track to lose weight (most of the time anyways).� I just keep telling myself Iapos;ll be happy when Iapos;m thin.� I doubt I�will be.� But I wonapos;t know until I get there.� Six days until October first.� if only I could lose a pound�a day.� I could be 136 by then.� I want to be a max of 130 by October 15th.� Thatapos;s 19 days to lose 12lbs.� Thatapos;s doable.� I get so dizzy now lol.� I went to weigh myself last night and I kinda fell off the scale.� But I�caught myself on the dresser.� I get that warm feeling and everything gets really dark.� As long as I donapos;t pass out when my mom is home Iapos;m good.
(later)
so I decided to go to ANAD tonight.� Iapos;m not sure why.� I mean I want nothing to do with recovery.� I think part of it is to spite Judy and Pepper.� I havenapos;t been there since like June or something.� Blah.
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